Went to tumblr today,  and I saw many many pictures that are really meaningful and explain exactly how I feel.




















Alright, felt so much better now! Byeeeeeeee~



Today marks the 4th years since grandma left us. 4 years ago, at about this timing, mama and I were rushing down to SGH after getting a call from dad. We all knew that it was the last time we are ever going to see grandma.  When we reached her ward, the entire family were surrounding her bed. I was told to hold my tears as they say that it would make grandma more difficult to move on to the next world if i cry in front of her. I held my tears and hold on to her hand. I still remember that before she left, I promised her to study hard and bond closer with my brother. I told her to 安心上路 because I promised to be a good girl and take care of myself and my family. But, I guessed I have failed the promise. Many things have happened for the last 4 years, and i know that I am no longer that pure and good little girl which grandma used to know. I have failed her in many ways. For instance, my studies. I remember when I was younger, I would always bring my report book to my grandparent's house and boast about getting all As. But now, i feel disgraced to even stand in front of grandma. I am no longer that shuying she used to know. I know that she is most probably up there watching my daily life all these while. And i know that she must be heartbroken to see all the immature things that i have done. Sorry ah ma.


1. Lying on bed again. Hahas, Realised that I have been sleeping late recently even though there's exam the next day. I seriously don't know what's wrong with myself recently, but somehow I think i have done so badly for my prelims that I felt so demoralized to continue studying for te subsequent papers. Especially for today's Amath paper. I went to the exam hall without studying any Amath stuff since te first paper. When I was in the exam hall, I nearly cried out. I forgot the most basic formula, how to diffferntiate, integrate. I filled 3/4 of the scripts with rubbish. This is te first examination in my life which I have so little confidence and first time I have done so badly. But this is not the worst thing. I think the worst thing was that I don't really give a damn about all these. The moment I stepped out of the exam hall, I am already thinking about how to enjoy myself and stuffs. I have totally lost my motivation. I know tat I have failed my parents and the teachers, but seriously nowadays I just can't get myself concentrated. Everytime when I tried to study, it's either that my thoughts will drift to lalaland or that I would fall asleep. Hmm, but Anw Ireally hope that the result for this prelim will serve as a wake up call me to work harder. 2.Been witnessing and heard quite of few stories of people around me nowadays. Had heart to heart talk sessions with some of my close friends, and all these builds up to make me feel that I am considered lucky for being who I am. Yes, there may be really fucked up times in my life when people leave my life or when someone or something is really pissiing me off. But still, I am considered lucky to have what I have right? Perhaps, I should stop ranting about how sad I am, but instead, focus on the things I have and make myself happier. No, I am not running away from reality. But I really feel that it's important to focus on who's there for you now, and treasure them, rather than moaning over those that have left. Especially today, one of my not close fried lost someone really impt from his life. I know he is feeling damn horrible now. I know how he feel, and there's nothing I can say to cheer him up. Nothing will help now. But i still feel horrible for being so useless ): all i do is to hope that he will stand up strong again and move on with life. Jiayou. 3.On a happier note, I got my pay today! Hahas, it's much more than what I expected. So i am really happy! Yeapp, I am going to keep my promise and donate 20% of it to the needy, and hmm Dad's birthday an mother's day is here! Maybe I shall treat the family a dinner and make smth really cool for them (: Oh oh! And of course! I am going to stock up on my clothes! And do so many may things! Hehe, seriously can't wait for prelims to be over. Alright, shall go sleep now! Goodnight, sweet dreams <3


Lying on bed while making this post. It's hard, but I really need a place to voice out my thoughts. You know, it's like every night when I lie on the bed, all the memories will come and haunt me. Those used-to-be-sweet memories and the awful things which I have encountered or heard, it will just keep getting replayed in my mind. It really sucks, especially when I know that I am the only one that are being haunt by these memories. They, they just don't give a damn. Well... I know I am not suppose to be holding on to these memories. I didn't. I was fine in the day. But everytime during the night, when I lie on the bed. Those scenes, those words will just keep getting replayed. Yesterday, jdg told me smth abt iakihs. And those truths hurts. I know that this day will come eventually and I have been avoiding the problem all these while. I know I am suppose to let go like million years ago, but it still sucks to know that he is saying all the things that he used to tell me to another person, doing the things which we have done with another person. I know I am not suppose to be selfish, and that I should give him my best wishes. But, theres like so many questions that's in my mind. Like, I really don't get why they are so cruel. 说放下就放下，说忘就忘。我有那么容易被你们忘记吗？ Sighh. Been asking these questions many many times, but they just won't give me an answer. At least if they could give me a cruel answer, then I will stop being so persistent right. Anyway, its mother's day next week. And we are going to temple to vist grandma next week. Thinking about it, it has been 4 years since she left me. Everytime I think of her, I will feel super guilty because I feel that i have start to forget how she looks like and she feels like. Many many things have happened since she left. And I am pretty sure that she definitely won't want to witness all these things. It's like... Many things happened in the family. I don't know if it's because that she is no longer here to guide us, that's why people have changed, or is it just that I have grown old enough to see the reality. I am not sure if I have mentioned this in my blog before, but there's smth that had always been bothering me for a few years. Well, perhaps it's not right for me to mention it in this public place, but well, I have always been avoiding this problem. Till today, our family mentioned it during Dad's birthday dinner today. At then, everybody was laughing and joking about it. But I know that deep in their heart, everyone was affected by it. Well... 反正这个世界一直都在转。你不变，别人也会变。只能告诉自己要学着去适应这个世界上的变化。I am no longer 3 years old, where the worst reason I could be crying for is because I fell down and scraped my knees. Now, even if I am facing things that's are worst than 1000x worst than falling down, I still have to 忍。好啦，我吐完了。I am amazed that you actually finish reading this entire post hahas. Thanks, feel so much better now (:


Wow, haven't been blogging for a long time. And I didnt even know that blogger has already changed its format. Hmm, so anyway i decided to be back to blogging because theres so many things happening recently and that twitter is no longer a safe place for me to voice out my thoughts anymore, sighh. Hmm, so theres soo sooo soooo many changes to my life since the last time I blogged. People have been entering and leaving my life constantly. Met some new friends at work during the March hols, but i lost contact with them after a short while. Some are still in contact, but its obvious that we are drifting further each day. Nevertheless, what hurts me the fact that one of the most important man in my life left me. It's just so sudden, i mean like... I know things aren't gonna work out, but I really didnt expect it all to end so quickly. Not even given a chance to say bye. Sighh, i mean.. I am definitely happy that he can meet someone who can treat him better, I am really happy for him. But what really bother me the most is the fact that, he broke his promise. Perhaps, its just me, being too naive to believe that we can still remain as friend. But promise made are meant to be kept isnt it? No matter how hard it is, you still gotta try right? I did my part, but obviously he didnt bother to. It really makes me wonder if people can really be trusted. I remember just not long ago, when I was in a really depress mood after losing iakihs, he was the one who told me to believe in faith, he was the one that brought me out of the trauma. But in the end, he broke his promise and left too. This seriously make me wonder if i am really too gullible, or isit that just that I am dumb and I will never learn from my mistakes. Okay, but no matter what's wrong with me, I already know that he is no longer that friend that I used to know. Obviously he have made up his mind in deleting every single details of me from his life. And I have promised that I will remove every part of him from my life too. Rest assured, when i promise myself,  I WILL. Well, actually its not just him. Theres seriously alot of people leaving my life recently. It all just makes me wonder if theres any problem with me. I really should go and reflect upon myself. Hmm, so anyway, I have been really busy with Prelim 1 nowadays. But I have noted down in my to-do-list that one of the things I should do is to bring back all the friends that I have been drifting from. I dont want to lose anymore people in my life, and therefore, I will put in all my effort to keep them in my life forever. I must.
i know i have been neglecting alot people that really care about me, e.g. you, who really bother to come over and read my blog. P, I am really sorry that i have been disappointing you constantly all these while. Give more time okay? I am trying.