Well, things have been going really really wrong for me for the past few weeks. Yeahh, i know in front of my friends, I am always known as the happy-go-lucky that will not get pull down by all those difficulties in life. I always tell my friend that we should stay optimistic and enjoy our life to the fullest. But well, maybe I was wrong. Life is seriously not as awesome as what I thought, especially in this stage when I am growing up, I realise that many things are changing. Okayy, I dunno if its because people are really changing or isit because I am old enough to see through their mask. Especially during this period of time, life is throwing me too much shit, and sometimes i really feel like giving up, like just cry and die.

So yeahh, weeks ago, I lost him. The second most important guy in my life. As you all can see from my previous post, I felt really horrible. But recently, when I was just about to get over the lost and was just about to move on, life starts to throw me another shit. Had a fight with my parents yesterday. Well, i know i am considered lucky that my parents are actually quite good. Thats why the fight yesterday really hurts like shit, as in mentally. Its my first time having this kind of quarrel with my dad yeahh. It all started when I told them that I need to send fudan ppl off early in the morning, and somehow they start making a big fuss about it, they start shouting at me, saying that I have change alot recently, saying that I am becoming from bad to worst. They say that they have already fail to bring my brother up the right way, they don't want me to end up like him. But hello, I am Tan Shu Ying, I know whats right and wrong, why must I always follow my brother's path? I dun understand, they start pointing out that I am becoming more concern about my looks and blamming that I am going out too often. But hello, which girl undergoing puberty doesnt care about her image? Which girl doesnt want to look pretty? And yes, about me going out. I admit i have been going out alot this year, but don't they sit down and wonder why? Why would i rather go out in the streeets and loiter like a lost dog rather than staying at home? What can I do if i am at home? Who will be there with me in the house? And yess, they blamed me that I have been hiding lots of things from them nowadays, but don't they ever wonder what makes me lost my trust in them. Remember three weeks ago, I was crying really badly over "him", and my mama caught me and asked me what happened. Thinking that she will be able to understand me and comfort me, i told everything about "him" to her, and how? She end up scolding me. Like... seriously, just when I really need her shoulder and support the most, she choose to hurt me even further. So how can i still trust my secrets with them?

And yeahh, after the big quarrel with them, I cried really hard for very long. At that point, i really felt so horrible, I feel as if I am all by myself. And I suddenly miss grandma alot alot, I really wished that she could still be here, right beside me, to give me a hug and tell me that everything will be fine. I really miss her, I wonder how's she is doing in heaven, I wonder if heaven if also a fucked up place like Earth? Also, i start thinking about "him", thinking of how he could he just left me all on my own, facing all these shit. I really need his shoulder for me to lie on, i miss how he use to pat me on my head and tell me everything is fine. Seriously, where is he when I needed him the most? I felt really helpless, suddenly I am like all left on my own, I really dunnno how to cope. But yeahh, after having insomnia for so many days, I start to think through about many things, I made a conclusion:

1. I am going to pull through all these shit, even if I am alone.
Because I still have my hands to push myself up whenever I fall.
I still have my own shoulder for me to lie on whenever I am tired.
I still have my brains to work for me when my heart is broken.
I really need to be independent. And I can do it.

2. To all those people that choose to leave me now, I am sorry that I am not good enough to make you stay. But I swear I will change myself to become a better person. And when I succeed in doing so, and become really perfect, please don't come back to me, begging like a dog. I will make you regret, regret for leaving me just when I need you the most.